How it all started
I was not a particularly happy little kinder.
In highschool, I was very unhappy and bored, and thought it would be an excellent
and quirky
idea to give myself fluoride poisoning and record the results to see if it matched the scientific articles
aka web md
I did this with a few things. I did not trust official sources, and I was overjoyed to discover that side effects I had not read about previously were occurring from the fluoride, meaning that it wasn't entirely psychosomnatic.
The effect in particular was muscle paralysis after daily administration of fluoride for two weeks. I did not record the amount I was taking, but it was approximately half a tube of toothpaste a day.
I would attempt a contraction, and it would not respond until sufficient effort was applied. It was exciting.
Something I also did not take into consideration was the production of hydrogen fluoride in my stomach. I do think that occurred, as my gastrointestinal issues got quite a lot worse after this experiment.
I then slightly overdosed on acetaminophen daily for a while to see if it would make me sick and start to hurt. It didn't do all that much.
After these lame initial experiments in causing invisible damage to my body, I started to read up on alcohol use and its detrimental effects. I had the idea while reading a case study about a drunk hobo bashing his skull on some stairs. These individuals had little will power. The psychological aspect of addiction is an excuse, it is fake and can be easily worked through. Why dont I give myself a physical dependency on alcohol, and prove that i am better than these people?
Part of this was also related to a memory I had at the beach as a child, between 8 and 10 years old. I was asking my father if he suspected any of his children to be prone to addiction. He looked me in the eye, and said "you are the only one I am concerned about". This stuck with me. I did not value my life or body at this point in time. I was 16 when I made this choice.
I didn't have any friends, I did not trust any adults. I did not speak to my family about my mental concerns or difficulties.
So I started with this little "experiment". I bought lemon and mint extract from grocery stores, these were less suspicious than vanilla extract, which is commonly abused in this context. I diluted this 2 or 3 parts water to one container, extracted the precipitated oil with an eye dropper, and drank the remaining fluid. I did this until I obtained a level of unpleasant intoxication nightly for a while.
Then something bad happened, I began to like it. The horrible feelings that I had disappeared. I no longer wanted to hurt myself, I did not feel sad. I felt normal, I felt like a person. My use increased substancially. I did this alone. I didn't like talking to people much.
I found as a side effect, the online communities I was a part of seemed to not like my new state. I was banned from most, and lost the internet "friends" I had cultivated. How odd. But as long as I can keep my misbehavior contained to online spaces, this will not be an issue. This did not stick.
My straight A grades began to slip. I got a C in precalculus. My parents took this as laziness, they had me retake the course. I did, passed with a better grade.
Covid happened. I broke into my parents liquor stash around Christmas. I emptied it in a month or two. It was a lot of alcohol, 20-30 bottles of hard liquor. They noticed.
My sister was blamed first. I went and hid, I was withdrawing from it. I guess at that point I had achieved my initial goal, however I had accepted far more than I initially bargained for. They found me, I told them I drank it over a long period of time. My brother and dad ran "tests" to see if my hands were shaking. My brother had me throw a seig heil, which I did in one quick movement to obscure the shaking, I shoved my hands back into my pockets. My dad had me pour a pot of maple sap into a pot through a funnel. I braced my arms on the edge of the table to reduce the movement in my hands I completed the task. They sent me to bed, and I suffered alone. This was my first major withdrawl experience. I was too weak to get out of a seated posture, I was drenched in sweat, so much sweat I was rapidly becoming dehydrated. I crawled to the bathroom and started sucking water out of the faucet, only to immediately start gagging and vomiting it up. I couldn't keep anything down. I crawled back to my room, and started to hallucinate vividly. I believe I had seizures that night, as the postictal phase was similar to what i knew of them prior. Covid gave me all the time I could of wanted and the money to dedicate to drinking. It became a full time hobby, an interest. My only interest. Skip forward 5 or 6 years.
This wasn't a fun experiment. I ruined my life. Currently im sitting at 10 days sober. Im under constant supervision. I drank rubbing alcohol, I got fired from my job. I got into an accident. I get violent when I black out. I black out every time I drink. I am not really a human anymore, I do not feel like a person..